I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
