Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
