I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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