Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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