i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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