I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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