I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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