just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
