He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
