i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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