K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
