Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is wine microwaveable?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
