all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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