Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
