I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
