I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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