i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
