i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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