Tell her she can't have a vagina
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
