He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
