Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
