What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
