I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
