I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love you. Go after that dick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
