apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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