They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
