How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
