I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
