Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
