your parents love me but you hate me
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
