I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
