Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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