I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it was like eating out sand paper
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
