one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize