He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
