She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.