where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
