The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
