This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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