There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
