what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
