Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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