We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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