Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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