you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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