I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
