I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
