Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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