Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh god it's open bar.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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