I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
