fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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