there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
