You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
