I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
