i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
