I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
