my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
