he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
