When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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