my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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