Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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