Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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