My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
