we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
