He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
