last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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