Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
